So we arrived in Goa on Monday.  We are staying in a guesthouse called the sea pearl, its really quite nice and an absolute bargain, its cost me 2100 rupees for the week, 25 quid.

The last few days have mainly just consisted of getting settled, chilling, drinking and eating. Although tonight is the first night ive actually seen night time.  I keep falling asleep in places at like 6pm.  We were watching a cricket game on Tuesday night and I blinked and 7 overs had passed. Indians love cricket by the way.

Tuesday was a dry day.  Ive no idea why they have them but on random days all the bars and shops in Goa agree to stop selling alcohol, I’m not sure if its law or just some gay gentlemens agreement but thats what they do.  Therefore, we decided to be active on Tuesday and had grand plans to build a house out of sand on the beach and then just spend Tuesday living in our lovely sand beach house.

We started digging out sand and working on the foundations but very quickly got bored of the entire operation, it was way more like work then any actual fun.  We had all got into our own little zone and had become top builders.  We just needed to get a copy of the daily star and start wolf whistling at people. After about 30 minutes of building a huge pile of sand we decided to build a turtle instead of a house, mainly because the pile already looked like a turtle.  A crowd had gathered at this point, ive no idea why cos what we were doing looked seriously shit, but at one point we had about 10 different people around us asking to take photos with our pile of sand and us.  Liam tried charging 10 rupees a photo, they laughed in his stupid white face.

Once the turtle was completed we just all slobbed around it and enjoyed the sea and sunshine.  People kept taking photos of it and we received numerous compliments on the turtle.  Indians are wonderful for the ego. Various people tried selling us shit, at one point a guy tried selling me a foot massage whilst lunging for my toes.  He even pulled out an ID card which was a piece of laminated paper that had a photo of a man (That Ste pointed out wasn’t even him) which just said “Genuine foot massage, body massage, etc..” I spent way too long pondering what the etc could be.  When he suggested we could go off into the private of the forest for the massage I came to the conclusion that etc translated to bum fun.  I declined.

A lot of Indian men seem to do things which are very homosexual all of the time.  I’m told thats just their culture but I really cant help wonder if theyre all closeted sex fiends.  We watched a group of Indian men in speedos wrestle and take photos of each other in the sea and it seemed way more than friendly frolicking, it just needed one wham song to burst out into a full blown orgy.

Ive noticed how much of a gay tone this blog is taking, I’m not going to lie its going to get worse, much much worse.

Whilst chilling around our sand sculpture a gang of dogs came over and pissed on it, this upset me way more than it should.  Things got much worse when their owner came over.  He became known as dog man, he was literally half the height of us and I’m certain he was a heroin addict.  He didn’t speak in sentences just catchphrases and was seriously touchy feely.

All he said was:

“jiggy jiggy”

“why drink coke not beer” (None of us were drinking coke)

“you happy me happy”

“you college?”

At one point he started dancing and pointing at me singing “gay gay”. I felt a little bullied.

Liam had sprinted off to the safety of the sea as soon as he saw the guy, I reckon Ste wishes he did the same considering the guy molested him.  Ste was wiping some sand off the bottom of his back and then dog man offered to help and started wiping his back, fairly rapidly his hand dropped and before you know it he is full on spanking Ste.  He made us all hug him before he went; it was a long uncomfortable hug.  I was scared he could have set his gang of rabies dogs on us though so I complied.

Shortly after this a full on monsoon occurred, it was brilliant. The rain was coming sideways at us, our backs were wet but our fronts dry from walking away from the rain, it took us about 15 minutes to get back to the hotel but it was fine, it was still ridiculously hot out.

After a quick change we headed out to watch some cricket in one of the bars, only drinking coke like being a dry day and all.  As I say I was blinking for 40 minutes at a time so decided to call it a night and strolled home.  As soon as I stepped home the rain started, shortly after that the shits started.  I hadn’t had a poo in ages but I knew what was coming, id had some funky special noodles for breakfast and my farts were sounding progressively damper as the day went on, it was to the point were I no longer trusted a fart, and rightfully so.

Five poos in an hour later and I feel like death.  I found some dhiarroah tablets in my bag and they literally cured me within 15 minutes.  I lay in bed, empty emotionally and physically, when suddenly all the fans stopped and lights went out.  There had been a power cut, apparently this happens all the time.  The rest of the lads were still in the bar when It happened, apparently they just pulled out some candles and carried on as normal.  Power would randomly come on for a few minutes at a time. Dominic, the landlord, gave us some candles, so me and liam had quite a romantic room for the evening.

The next day we decided to start the day with a swim.  Before that though we had breakfast in our rooms, Dominics wife had prepared us all something to eat so we sat on our balcony and ate it looking out into the sea, it was quite nice but then this Indian man walked past in a towel, he turned and looked at us, pulled a camera from fuck knows where and just took a photo of us all sat there in our boxers eating breakfast. Good for the ego tho.

We went for a swim in the sea, it was good.  Waves were like 6ft high.  Ste does like roly pollys into waves which I find way too entertaining.  Eventually, the life guard came over and moved us a bit cos we kept nearly dying.  It then started pissing it down, wasn’t noticeable like due to the fact we were wet and in the sea.

After this we remembered that probation was over so we went to the bar. We ended up in the bar called cactus bar, it was brilliant.  All they played is 80s cheese at top volume.  It was on a random loop of the same 8 songs tho.  We were on kingfishers and getting merry, it was a good time had by all.  I got pissed way too easy and fell asleep in there, therefore I left and went home. I’m putting it down to my body clock still being on its ass, the real reason was probably just me being a lightweight though.

Them lot managed to drink for a solid 13 hours, ive no idea how they did it. They met some girl from Birmingham who is now apparently travelling with us till November.  Paul got pissed and raided a restaurants kitchen, there is a video of it somewhere.  They also befriended a couple of Scottish newlyweds.

The next day/today if youre me, which youre not.  We started the day with a big breakfast, them lot were rough, I was wide awake due to being up from 5.  We decided just to have a beach chill day and do our own thing.  Paul went and booked us on a day trip tomorrow to go see some monkeys and waterfalls, perhaps in that order, who knows.  That should be fun.

After breakfast we met the Birmingham girl, shes friendly, 28, nurse.  We then went and hung out in her hotel pool and met the Scottish couple.  The Scottish wife, Kat, mentioned that her and Birmingham girl were going for a massage later in the day.  Me and Ste said we would tag along as we had never had a massage before, I never realised the lasting ramifications that decision would have.

Me, Paul and Ste left to go back to the hotel and chill on the beach.  We left Liam to show off his ridiculously hairy body and flirt at the pool.

On the way back to the hotel we walked past our turtle.  It had been trashed and there was a used condom and wrapper on it.  We were shell shocked. Ste described it as feeling though he was walking in on his daughter losing her virginity.  There is some sick people in this world.

Paul went for a read of his book and me and ste went to play in the sea.  It started raining again but we just stayed on the beach.  We shared Simpsons trivia and then went back to the hotel.

We bumped into some cows on the way back, Ste tried to pose for a photo with one of them but it charged at him.  Cows aren’t the most social of animals.

Birmingham girl- (Shelly) and Liam were back at the hotel.  Shelly asked us if me and Ste were still up for a massage, we said yes and made our way for the massage.  We got a taxi for 300 rupees and the guy said he would wait for us, nice of him.

The place looked dead nice, they also offered yoga and various weird treatments.  It was way out in the middle of nowhere.

I’m not sure I should be telling this story.

We got offered all the treatments, Ste, Shelly and Kat chose the full body massage which was head, feet and body.  I didn’t choose this one due to the fact I hate feet and anything involving them.  Therefore, I opted for the body oil massage as it was the only one which didn’t mention feet in the brochure.

It was around this point when I realised it would be in fact a man giving the massage. I instantly regretted saying yes to all of this.  We walked off to the treatment room, me and my little Indian friend, he was about 25, short, quiet…..rapey.

He told me to strip off.

I did down to my boxers.

This was not enough for him.

Before you know it I’m stood completely naked in the middle of India, re-evaluating my life and decisions that led me up to this point.

A small paper thong is handed to me, it covers nothing.

There was a smell of incense in the air, it smelt just like church which was quite fitting, as he was about to be a priest and me his altar boy.

I considered leaving at this point and walking out. But no I decided I’m comfortable with my sexuality and this is what real men do.

I was instructed to lay on the massage table. I did so. It was my first ever massage, I don’t know the procedure, do I close my eyes? Do I maintain eye contact? Do I make gentle conversation about the weather and shit? No, I lay flat, staring at the ceiling, eyes wide open. Terrified.

I had the heart rate of a rapist, which I guess would mean I had the exact same heart rate as the guy giving the massage.

Oil Is poured all over me, its warm, pleasant but unwelcome.

He starts massaging my feet, I literally scream “fucks sake” in my head, the one thing I didn’t

want.  I’m too polite to say anything, fuck it.  Just count to 4560 and itll be over.

75 minutes of this.

At one point I’m convinced we are playing nervous as he begins to massage my thigh, I realise I

don’t know the Indian for the word ‘nervous’. This was probably part of his plan.

Eventually hes massaged the front of my body, half way there I think to myself.  He gestures to me to roll over. I bet he does that to all the boys.

At least in this position I no longer have to worry about eye contact, no now I just need to worry about my pale ass staring him in the face.  A part of me pops out of the paper thong as I roll over, I’m having an absolute nightmare.

I think of Liam and Paul playing in the sea, theyre safe, all they have to worry about is dog man.  I find comfort in knowing that Ste is in the next room having a similar experience.

His hands have literally touched every part of my body, it would be a completely different experience if this was a woman.

When I’m getting my leg massaged it actually feels decent, considering ive been doing a lot of leg related activities, but no, massage man just wants to focus on my buttocks and feet doesn’t he.  The pervert.

Its over, or so I think.

I get told to sit on a stool facing some hindu shrine.  I don’t know what god it is but its blue and has four arms.  I cant help thinking how much of a better massage someone with four arms would give.  Unfortunately I do not have that luxury.

He starts to massage my head, I swear at one point he just punches me in the back of the head.  Maybe he is having doubts about his sexuality and wants to assert his manliness, I don’t know I just want it to be over.

He gestures over to some wooden cupboard, it goes up to about waist height and I’m expected to sit down in it with my head sticking out the top.  I sit in it, he closes it. Fuck I’m trapped. He could literally do whatever he wants to me now. I am his bitch. Its a steam cupboard.  I’m slowly cooking to his perfect temperature.  At one point he goes to mop my brow, I try to move away but of course I cant.  I scream out using my eyes, it does not work.  I genuinely believe neither of us wants to be there.  I am literally sweating my tits off in the little box.

Finally its over, he releases me. He pats me down with a towel, I take it off him, hes handled me enough.

The question happy ending was never proposed, I thank god for this.

Getting dressed is well awkward, it feels like getting dressed after a one night stand. I feel like telling him ill call him some time, I don’t think he would get the joke.  I leave, I walk straight out of the building on to the front.  No one else is out yet, there is a gang of school kids huddled around a TV in the forecourt, I go join them.  The pureness of their souls makes me feel a little safer, restores my faith in humanity.

The rest of the gang slowly finish and come out.  I asked Ste what he thought of it, he said ‘it was alright’. I question what has just happened to me, I tell him that ‘I feel dirty’.

After the massage we got a taxi back to a restaurant where we had agreed to meet the others for some food.  I got a curry and some garlic naan, it was brilliant, curry cures everything.

The bill for all 7 of us was 1400 rupees, we each had a full meal and about 2 drinks each. 1400 rupees is about 15 quid, absolute madness.

We all have a laugh and make plans for tomorrow.  We then head back to the room.

Thats where I am now, led in my room with Liam and Paul doing their own thing. I just had long eye contact with Liam, he has an itchy leg he says. It would appear that the scratch he just administered worked.

Paul wants to have a read of this, I’m not sure I want him to read this.  I’m not sure I want anyone to read this. Putting this on the internet could be a huge mistake.

Funny though.

This was a guest post by: @russmmm